I heard your voice again and that made my day special. I want to say, I love you Han and I’ve been missing you lately. But, saying it will not cause anything so I’d rather not. The moving on part of you and me will just be cut because I definitely know that we will just fall again. I felt so bad when I called SM Taytay, walang Razon’s. :( Kung may magagawa lang sana ko. I’m sorry wala akong magawa which makes me upset. I love you in every second of the day. I love you no matter what. You just don’t know how much I wanted to shout it but I can’t. Haayy.

I found myself clicking all Ellen and Portia’s videos. What a lovely couple! It amazes me how they found each other. If there’s a thing called destiny, it should be that. It is love, understanding and fun. I think every couple has these fights and quarrels but I wish they were not those gay couples that eventually separate. I am wishing them more happiness. It was not and will never be an easy journey but I believe they can make it! :) I wish I will find my Portia too. A girl that I can be proud of, that I can shout to the whole world that she’s mine and that she loves me and she will be with me forever. How’s that? Sounds sweet right? How I wish..

Inaatake na naman ako. Am worrying too much about my life. Am worrying too much about my age. I will be 26 this October and I don’t have any. I can’t even say that I am happy. Haay. I hope na kahit kaunti may mangyaring mabuti. I keep on planning and planning and there are things na mangyayari and I have to change the plan then, I have to re-organize ulit. Hay buhay! I am upset with what’s happening. I want results! Pero paano nga magkakaroon kung lagi akong magpapadala? Kung lagi ako maaawa? Ayoko na. Nakakapagod. Pero, that's what I am. I'm weak. Kaya please Lord..I don't want to be demanding or for the least, sound so demanding but I think and believe that being away will be the best. I want growth. Or, I didn't appreciate the things I have because I'm focusing too much with what others have? If this is the reason, then please, enlighten my heart. I trust YOU.

Still sick. Haiz.

I met Jena @ FCM Mcdo yesterday. It was a total talk. We conversed for 1 hours and 30mins to be exact. We talked about the books we read, the realizations, about family, simply, about life. From the start, I love talking to Jena. She’s a very sensible person. I know she understands what I am trying to share and I understand also her beliefs. She’s in the middle crisis right now. I mean, finding her self and finding the “right” one. She has a lot of questions why this and that. I understand her. It’s just normal. After the long talk, we went to SM Fairview. I bought rain dress for Maia. We had Halo-halo @ Chowking and met Tetai. She bought Eat,Pray,Love. I advised her to buy coz it will help her to answer some questions about life. I think she’ll love it.

I slept for 12 hours. It was great!
In the middle of the night, I woke up because I felt there was something beside me. I switched on the light and my steno notebook was open. All the papers in between the pages were flew away because of the electric fan. I gathered them one by one, and then I saw a note. It was written in a green ink saying “Take Care Always”. It was a note from my Soul mate. “I knew it”, I said to myself. I felt her that night. I think about her until I slept again. Thank you for the note. Take care always too. I love you. I love you with all my heart.

It's always nice to be back to a place where you laughed because of so much joy, where you cried because of so much pain and where you believed in love again.

Of course, I’m referring to Jardin. It was a very busy day. I will not talk about work. That’s the policy, right? At 7pm, I attended mass. I thanked Him because I had the opportunity to see her again. She gained weight. She’s double chin now. And you can really notice that a new one is coming soon. We are in speaking terms. In layman’s word, civil. When I saw her, there was no special reaction. I mean, nothing. My heart was in its usual beat. There was no talk about personal matter. All work. It was His will. I was in complete control of my emotions. When I was on my way home, when no Lal was there, the thinking begun again. I can say that I love her still. But, not to the extent of telling her again.Seeing her is enough. And I thank Him for that.

Hours before the mass,it was 3.30, when I went to Ate Len’s house. We talked for 2 and half hours. We talked about the real reason why she leave. I was disappointed by her stories. I was upset, I didn’t even know if I am going to believe it. I was shocked. But, hopefully, all things are going to be fine. After I had 2 cups of coffee and an ensaymada, we went to Kuya Juvy’s place. It’s his wife’s birthday. I had a great time in Antipolo. At mass, I was surprised because I prayed for almost everyone I know. I keep on saying names like, I prayed for Buding’s pregnancy, for Tetai’s work, for Melvin and Chinie’s relationship. I prayed for my Mom, Ate, Nanay, Allan, my pamangkins. I prayed for Ma’am My, Gabs, Ms. Tin, Manang and everyone. And I prayed for Lal and her family’s health. I was in tears. And I sincerely prayed for myself. That, I can work abroad for me to achieve the complete healing. That is the best way I can think of. To start a new life. To build a new me. I want peace. All I want to give is love and my forgiveness to all the people who hurt me.

Lord, please.

Am not feeling well. Serious. My throat infection is back and I’m making achooo all the time. It’s raining so hard! I wasn’t able to read on the bus because my eyes have its own life and they don’t want anything but to close.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in Jardin with ENR and Ms. Didi. Meeting about Casa Santa renovation. Because of that, I bought something for Ate Len. I’ll visit her after Jardin. I was planning to buy muhlach ensaymada but I was not able to drop by in Glorietta. I passed by in Red Ribbon Don Antonio. I was stuck there because of the rain. So I decided to have dinner then. It was a nice meal alone. Right after I finished my food, the rain stopped. Then, I went home. I took Bio Flu, expecting that I’d be okay tomorrow morning. Haiz. I have to go to bed early so I can have enough sleep for tomorrow’s expected one hell of a tiring-day!

Part 52: If something is rubbing so hard against you, you can be sure it's working on you. --Eat,Pray,Love

I wrapped up the day with a talk with Ma’am My. We have the same feelings towards work. I don’t want to elaborate further for some reasons. We opened our hearts. It was a great one. I think she’s my angel. When she cried, it pained me. And from my heart, I’m sorry if I am one of those who caused you a lot of stress lately. I thought of one way on how to lessen her baggage, and that is, to fix things with Lal. Hours earlier, finally, we talked. I said sorry in any way that I hurt her feelings. I said that we should work professionally. We should move on and leave all the baggage behind caused by the past. It was a smooth conversation, sharing the things we missed out. I am happy to know that her family heard mass in two consecutive Sundays now. And that she’s somehow happy. In some way I was waiting to be hurt, just to know if I am still affected. Just to test where I am now. I was amazed that even for a moment, I wasn’t hurt by her news and stories. It was kind of a relief. Thank you Bro for this. And the book is helping me to cope up with all the things I am in. This book was really a gift. (Thank you Cindz for paving the way. :)) It made me comprehend everything. And I realized that, Lal is really my soul mate. And the book also taught that soul mates are the persons who have purpose. I will share some thoughts from Richard. He is the guy Liz met when she was in Ashram. In this instance, Liz was very upset because he misses David (her ex-boyfriend). And she can’t concentrate on finding herself and finding God. Good thing, Richard from Texas was there to give her a piece of advice she will never forget.

Part 48: Liz: “ I seriously believe that David was my soul mate.”
Richard: "He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it." --Eat,Pray,Love

Day 3 continues of a non-stop reading. I am definitely IN to it! And I am lovin’ it! I’m done with the Italy part. Done with the tongue-twister-italian words. I will miss Lucca Spaghetti and Liz’s escapades around, in, and between Italy.

I made a decision to have a hair cut. And I am wearing the shortest I’ve ever had. I’ve been wanting this but I am so shy to ask the stylist, and there’s always a voice within me saying, “Baka hindi bagay.”. Finally, I gained enough strength and with bravery, I said, “Mas maikli pa po.” Then she said, “OK”.. I smiled. I’m happy. Yes! Finally! But honestly, I was nervous to see how it will look. Then..Yehey! Okay naman. She/He made me happy (the stylist). On my way home, I was wondering how they (especially mom) would react. She just said, “Nagpagupit ka? Ang ikli.” Honestly, I know that she’s not that “in favor” because with my hair now, it is so obvious that I am gay. This is one of those many reasons why I want to move, why I want to work far far away. Because I know that they did not fully accepted it yet. I know that they understand me and all, yet, I know also that they are still hoping that somehow, I could turn into a lady, which is not possible. And it will not happen. It’s hurting me a lot because I feel that I am disappointing them in a way. I don’t want to be the reason of their disappointments. It feels like, I want to be eaten out so they could not see me. Haay..Family matters made me lonely. I want to finish my duties this evening kasi we watched Noynoy’s proclamation so my to do’s are still to do’s. Haiz. Anyway, I am beginning to fall in love and I hate it. I am beginning to fall in love with…guess who? MILEY CYRUS. Hahaha! I find her sexy and attractive nowadays. If you could hear my comments to her before, you will say, “YOU’VE EATEN ALL YOUR WORDS!” But, I accepted it anyway. I like MILEY! *blushing*

Part 36 (Last part of Italy): ..when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab on to the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight. --Eat,Pray,Love

I did not expect to love the book this much! I’ve never been excited in my whole life reading a book. This experience is lovely! Excited to read all her experiences and all the lessons learned in her travels. I love how she describes the people she met, the food she eat and how she ended each part. She reaches out to her audience, when she views her opinion, she will tell it in a manner that her audience will understand what she wants to impart. She finished every part with a humor and I think everyone on the bus might notice how I smile. I am halfway done. :) After office, I went to Megamall to measure and see the place where our ad will be placed. On the bus while reading, I heard our song again. I tried my best not to entertain the possibility of being sad. I did so much effort to focus on what I am reading but my heart won. I closed the book and let the song finish. Surprisingly, it did not hurt that much, compare to the other days that I can't help my tears to fall down. But I admit, I still love our song. I still love the melody of it. It brings back a lot of memories. I looked up and said, "Bro, please help me to move on." Then I continue reading. I was on the escalator going up when I heard people screaming, then I saw people running as if there was something bad happening. Naturally, you will see what’s the commotion is all about. I walked through the stairs and saw John Lloyd Cruz walking. Oh! It’s JLC! Not in a minute, I rushed through the crowd and tried to take a photo. But, there were a lot of people pushing me therefore, I did not get a nice shot. So I just pull my hand and he took it. In so much happiness, I called Ma'am My, just to share the experience. Her voice was so happy. After I put down the phone, I think of you. I said, "Magiging masaya yun kung sasabihin kong nakita ko si John Lloyd." It makes me realize that, you're still one of the few people I think when I am happy or wants to share experiences with. Seeing him completed my day. :) After my business in Wedding Lib, I got myself a pair of sunglasses and bought Olay Clarity.

Part 28: Maybe some things were sacrificed...but who amongst us lives without sacrifice? -- Eat,Pray,Love

...

Continued reading this great book. The time I got on the bus, I started to read it. Catch myself enjoying, smiling and even laughing. I really have my best buddy now. :) From now on, I decided not to write about my work. It will just make me sick. If there will be an exception to this rule, it will be, IF, I did something GREAT, worthy of writing. I’m somehow relived from being hurt..going to church made me understand what’s happening. It might not fully yet, but in time. I understand that, maybe, your intention was not to hurt me but you just want to share your happiness. You were insensitive or the way you said it to me was the one that hurt me. Maybe, its not the fact that you are having a baby, but, because by that, it ended. My hope. US. It ended there, the moment you said it. I’m saying it to you now that, I am not mad or angry about what happened, I’m just dealing with the reality right now. I’m dealing with loneliness, with being hurt for something that had just ended. Time will heal all wounds, maybe, not now but in the right instance. When I was on the bus, on my way home, while reading this great book, I heard our song. And guess what, I saw it coming. I don’t know but I knew it. Maybe, it’s His sign that I should not treat you the way I am treating you. But it saddens me because our memories were no longer there. I tried to close my eyes but there was nothing. And I am crying now yet, I have to embrace it. Even it hurts like hell, I have to deal with it. I am sorry for hurting you back, for being so cold. There’s a saying that, “Kung gaano ka nagmahal, ganon din kalalim kang masasaktan.” That explains everything.

Part 22: So be lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. --Eat,Pray,Love.

Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

I am reading a book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Cindz and I bought this book yesterday. A woman's (Liz) search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia. This excerpt that I will write made me cry. This was when Liz talked to God and begged for help. It affected me because I saw myself. The exact emotions I feel.

Part 4: Of course, I've had a lot of time to formulate my opinions about divinity since that night on the bathroom floor when I spoke to God directly for the first time. In the middle of that dark November crisis, though, I was not interested in formulating my views on theology. I was interested only in saving my life. I had finally noticed that I seemed to have reached a state of hopeless and life threatening despair, and it occured to me that sometimes people in this state will approach God for help. I think I'd read that in a book somewhere.
What I said to God through my gasping sobs was something like this: "Hello, God. How are you? I'm Liz. It's nice to meet you."
That's right - I was speaking to the creator of the universe as though we'd just been introduced at a cocktail party. But we work with what we know in this life, and these are the words I always use at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, it was all I could do to stop myself from saying. "I've always been a big fan of your work..."
"I'm sorry to bother you so late at night," I continued. "But I'm in serious trouble. And I am sorry I haven't ever spoken directy to you before, but I do hope I have always expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you've given in my life."
This thought caused me to sob even harder. God waited me out. I pulled myself together enough to go on: "I am not an expert at praying, as you know. But can you help me? I am in desperate need of help. I don't know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do..."
And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty - Please tell me what to do - repeated again and again. I don't know how many times I begged. I only know that I begged like someone who was pleading for her life.

...

I am broken.
Broken by you.
You were insensitive.
You hurt me in a way that I can stand no more.
Not even breathe.
Not wishing for tomorrow.
For tomorrow will be the same, as sad as today.
Maybe, sadder.
No more hope to look forward.
No more air.
And now,
It’s me, darkness in my place and cold river to swim.
Those words gone straight to my heart,
To its part where our memories exist.
And you hit it..again and again.
Until it depart its life.
You stole my happiness.
You took away the only reason,
Why I am surviving.
Why I am smiling.
You are numb.

...

And when it sinks in..it hurts like hell.

...

Thank you Cindz..I had a wonderful day. Thanks for making me laugh.. Appreciated. :)

...

I.AM.BROKEN.

...

And on the 13th day. I puffed one light.

2nd of June

Ipinagdiriwang ko ngayon ang isang dosenang araw ng walang yosi. :)
Masaya pala pag nao-overcome mo ang mga tests, enticing moments, cravings..di ako nagpadala at ngayon..12 days na! Weeeee...Sana tuloy tuloy na..kaya naman eh. Ayoko pag-usapan ang work. Mababatrip lang ako. :(

Thought of you.Always..Thank you..kasi, part ka ng pagbabagong 'to. :) Mahal kita..

Down time

This day was one of my lowest times in Jardin. Early in the morning, I am so sure about it, I want to QUIT. I want to run down and go to a place where I can't hear her voice. After talking with her, went to the pantry, made coffee and sat for minutes. I am demotivated. My heart is with Jardin, I love my work but those reasons are not enough to stay and it's making me feel sad. Yet, I don't have a choice, I have to stay because of that 1-yr. Minutes more, Ma'am My entered the pantry and asked me what's happening. I said, "Ma'am, ayoko na po." She was surprised, "Anong ayaw? As in ayaw mo na?" she asked. I said with trembling voice, "Yes ma'am, ayoko na. Pero, wala akong choice." My statement made me sadder. I want to cry dahil naaawa ako sa sarili ko. This is the first time in my life that I don't have any option. I always have options. If I want to quit, I quit. Pero ngayon, hindi na ganon. Masakit isipin. Down-spirited day continued and I experienced some probs that made me realize that quitting is as good as freedom. I want to reach it. I want to be in that place. Yung tapos na lahat ng unos ng buhay ko. Yung tahimik na. For the 3rd time, I cried again because of work. Ang sakit sakit sakit. Masikip sa dibdib.