An open letter to myself

November 19
AN OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF:

Dear Arianne, Yan, AR, Arian, Self:

You have been through a lot like many of the people around you. Your character and strength had been tested a lot, and I mean, a LOT. Sometimes, I am not proud of you, iyakin mo kasi. Parang di ka nauubusan ng tubig sa katawan. Kunsabagay, medyo malaki ang kaha mo. :) Pero mahal kita. Because of the person inside you. Kahit ansungit mo sa trabaho pero alam kong gagawin mo ang lahat para sa taong mahal mo. You never afraid to love. You have a big heart. And you know how to forgive. I remember nung elementary days mo, you always been bullied. Kaya siguro lagi kang most behave ng klase. Nung 4th grade, ayaw mo ng pumasok kasi aasarin ka na naman. Pero you graduated in elementary with an award. Kinaya mo diba? You did  well din high school. Proud na ko sayo nun kasi marunong ka ng  maki-mingle with others. Dun ko narinig yung pinaka-malulutong mong tawa. You gained great friends. Friends that you will treasure for lifetime. In college you learned lots of lessons. You've been bad and you made your mama very disappointed. Nung college mo rin naranasan ma-inlove  at ma-heart broken. It was not easy. But you stood up, you made things right. Nagpaka-broken ka din. Sobra ka. Grabe ka. Kala mo nung time na yun ikaw na ang pinaka-malas na tao sa mundo. You've been unfair sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa'yo. Pero lagi ka naman bumabangon eh. Nung nagawa mo yun, sabi ko, ikaw na!  Ngayon, naging unfair ka na naman. Gusto kitang kutusan kasi kinakalimutan mo na yung mga barkada mong nandyan lagi para sayo. Dami dami nyo ng pinagdaanan tapos tini-take mo sila for granted. Mag-sorry ka! Alam ko din naman na miss mo na sila eh. Yung lima kayo. Yung feeling nyo kahit saan pwede kayo mag-trip. Yung magkakape kayo tapos magkwekwentuhan kayo ng magkwekwentuhan tapos di nyo na namalayan na 3am na pala. Alam kong gustong-gusto mo na sila makasama. Huwag ka na mahiya. Tatanggapin naman nila lahat eh kasi kaibigan mo sila. Itaga mo yan sa bato. Alam kong takot ka ngayon. At parang hinuhugot ang puso mo. Kakapagod ba? Pero ganun talaga AR. Ganun magmahal. Para namang hindi mo yan alam. Kaya, wag ka ng mag-inarte dyan. Get up, stand up, move forward kagaya nung kilala ko. Gaya nung AR na kilala ng lahat. :)

My song for the moment

                                                            "I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No: I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

sad

Kung pwede lang. Bakit hindi? Alam mo namang gagawin ko ang lahat para sa relationship na 'to. And I am just protecting our relationship. Sana maintindihan mo na hindi ko rin to gusto. Kung wala nga lang akong obligation pa, come what may..pero hindi pwede yun eh..masakit lang.. :(

Acceptance

Hi Bro, I can't explain what I am feeling, what will

I feel or what should I feel. If my family can't accept

for who I am then who will accept me? Ang hirap

pala ng buhay. Ang hirap hirap.. There was a

moment sa Masinag kanina, after ko bumaba

ng jeep, there was a moment na gusto ko tumigil

na lang lahat kahit sandali lang. I just want to

breathe. Pero, kailangan lumaban diba? You gave

this life to me and I want to give it back to you

Bro..I am sorry I'm saying this, pero I'm tired

of disappointing everyone..hurting everyone by

my choices. Disappointing them by living who I am.

They are the ones who should first accept me pero hindi.

Paano pa ko lalaban kung sila mismo ang nagsasabi

na mali ang pinili kong buhay? Bro, hindi ko naman

mababago kung sino ako. Please guide me.

1 STEP

Hi Bro, Hirap lang..ang bigat..alam ko may katapusan din 'to..lahat ng 'to. Thanks for giving Bon to me. She's everything Bro. She's my strength..Pag sobrang bigat like this, am just thinking a future with her and ang alam ko, lalaban ako para dun. Sa Future na yun. Sana, it will come true. Mahal ko sya. Haharapin ko 'to para sa future with her.. :)

One F*CKIN day!

Ang tagal ko na uli bago nagsulat ah..Sobrang bigat lang..Ang araw na 'to ang pinaka madramang araw ngayong taon. Bad trip sa work. Olats sa mga bagay na akala ko okay na. Bakit kaya ganon? Bakit kaya may mga tao na para lang ma-achieve ang mga selfish interests nila, nagagawa nilang manlamang, gumawa ng chismis, at makapanakit? Sa mga taong sobra ka pang nagtiwala? Maybe, that's one of the greatest lessons I've learned so far, wag basta basta magtiwala. Give your trust to those people who deserve it. Tapos, kung sino pa yung akala mo makakaintindi sa'yo, hindi pala. There'll be NO one who could understand you truly, except YOURSELF.

Rejection

Mahal kita. Sa una pa lang minahal na kita. Ang sarap sabihin na “Mahal kita, Anne. Mahal na mahal kita. Sobra kong pinapanalangin na sana ikaw na. Pero, natatakot ako..sobra akong natatakot na baka masaktan ako. Dahil sa sobra kitang minamahal, baka sobra din kung masaktan ako. Hindi ko na kaya. Hindi na kaya ng puso ko masaktan pa ng isang beses. Masyadong maraming beses na. At hindi biro mag-move on. Kaya sobra akong natatakot.

I'm back!

Hey hey!

I'm back..now, I have reasons uli to write. After a quite long time of healing..I'm back on track. It's all because of her..my trainer..Ann. :) Naggy-gym na kasi ako ngayon. Hay salamat! Ang tagal ko bago uli naka pag-work out. It was my first day..syempre, mukang tanga pa ko..di pa alam ang gagawin..the equipments are high end, di pa marunong mag-operate..yung mga machines, mukang complicated..I was standing as if nag-aantay na may re-rescue sakin. Originally, di naman sya ng trainer ko..it was Joan..nagkataon na may niti-train din sya that time so walang magha-handle sakin. Then Joan said to Ann na i-assist ako. Medyo nakaka-ilang at first kasi sanay ako sa lalaki na trainer. Syempre may malice pag girl! Haha! Seriously, nahihiya kasi talaga ko tapos sya mukang matatawa na kasi naman di ako makatingin derecho sa kanya. Then we laughed. Hay! Napagaan nya ang loob ko. Parang ice breaker. I wanted to say thank you nung pauwi na ko kaso ayun..na-torpe na naman. You know what, I prayed for her..sana may sign na sya na..kasi takot ako eh..takot akong masaktan uli..Sana i-consider nya..

It's been a month.

Hi..Am sorry, it's been a month.

Not yet ready.

I heard your voice again and that made my day special. I want to say, I love you Han and I’ve been missing you lately. But, saying it will not cause anything so I’d rather not. The moving on part of you and me will just be cut because I definitely know that we will just fall again. I felt so bad when I called SM Taytay, walang Razon’s. :( Kung may magagawa lang sana ko. I’m sorry wala akong magawa which makes me upset. I love you in every second of the day. I love you no matter what. You just don’t know how much I wanted to shout it but I can’t. Haayy.

I found myself clicking all Ellen and Portia’s videos. What a lovely couple! It amazes me how they found each other. If there’s a thing called destiny, it should be that. It is love, understanding and fun. I think every couple has these fights and quarrels but I wish they were not those gay couples that eventually separate. I am wishing them more happiness. It was not and will never be an easy journey but I believe they can make it! :) I wish I will find my Portia too. A girl that I can be proud of, that I can shout to the whole world that she’s mine and that she loves me and she will be with me forever. How’s that? Sounds sweet right? How I wish..

Inaatake na naman ako. Am worrying too much about my life. Am worrying too much about my age. I will be 26 this October and I don’t have any. I can’t even say that I am happy. Haay. I hope na kahit kaunti may mangyaring mabuti. I keep on planning and planning and there are things na mangyayari and I have to change the plan then, I have to re-organize ulit. Hay buhay! I am upset with what’s happening. I want results! Pero paano nga magkakaroon kung lagi akong magpapadala? Kung lagi ako maaawa? Ayoko na. Nakakapagod. Pero, that's what I am. I'm weak. Kaya please Lord..I don't want to be demanding or for the least, sound so demanding but I think and believe that being away will be the best. I want growth. Or, I didn't appreciate the things I have because I'm focusing too much with what others have? If this is the reason, then please, enlighten my heart. I trust YOU.

Still sick. Haiz.

I met Jena @ FCM Mcdo yesterday. It was a total talk. We conversed for 1 hours and 30mins to be exact. We talked about the books we read, the realizations, about family, simply, about life. From the start, I love talking to Jena. She’s a very sensible person. I know she understands what I am trying to share and I understand also her beliefs. She’s in the middle crisis right now. I mean, finding her self and finding the “right” one. She has a lot of questions why this and that. I understand her. It’s just normal. After the long talk, we went to SM Fairview. I bought rain dress for Maia. We had Halo-halo @ Chowking and met Tetai. She bought Eat,Pray,Love. I advised her to buy coz it will help her to answer some questions about life. I think she’ll love it.

I slept for 12 hours. It was great!
In the middle of the night, I woke up because I felt there was something beside me. I switched on the light and my steno notebook was open. All the papers in between the pages were flew away because of the electric fan. I gathered them one by one, and then I saw a note. It was written in a green ink saying “Take Care Always”. It was a note from my Soul mate. “I knew it”, I said to myself. I felt her that night. I think about her until I slept again. Thank you for the note. Take care always too. I love you. I love you with all my heart.

It's always nice to be back to a place where you laughed because of so much joy, where you cried because of so much pain and where you believed in love again.

Of course, I’m referring to Jardin. It was a very busy day. I will not talk about work. That’s the policy, right? At 7pm, I attended mass. I thanked Him because I had the opportunity to see her again. She gained weight. She’s double chin now. And you can really notice that a new one is coming soon. We are in speaking terms. In layman’s word, civil. When I saw her, there was no special reaction. I mean, nothing. My heart was in its usual beat. There was no talk about personal matter. All work. It was His will. I was in complete control of my emotions. When I was on my way home, when no Lal was there, the thinking begun again. I can say that I love her still. But, not to the extent of telling her again.Seeing her is enough. And I thank Him for that.

Hours before the mass,it was 3.30, when I went to Ate Len’s house. We talked for 2 and half hours. We talked about the real reason why she leave. I was disappointed by her stories. I was upset, I didn’t even know if I am going to believe it. I was shocked. But, hopefully, all things are going to be fine. After I had 2 cups of coffee and an ensaymada, we went to Kuya Juvy’s place. It’s his wife’s birthday. I had a great time in Antipolo. At mass, I was surprised because I prayed for almost everyone I know. I keep on saying names like, I prayed for Buding’s pregnancy, for Tetai’s work, for Melvin and Chinie’s relationship. I prayed for my Mom, Ate, Nanay, Allan, my pamangkins. I prayed for Ma’am My, Gabs, Ms. Tin, Manang and everyone. And I prayed for Lal and her family’s health. I was in tears. And I sincerely prayed for myself. That, I can work abroad for me to achieve the complete healing. That is the best way I can think of. To start a new life. To build a new me. I want peace. All I want to give is love and my forgiveness to all the people who hurt me.

Lord, please.

Am not feeling well. Serious. My throat infection is back and I’m making achooo all the time. It’s raining so hard! I wasn’t able to read on the bus because my eyes have its own life and they don’t want anything but to close.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in Jardin with ENR and Ms. Didi. Meeting about Casa Santa renovation. Because of that, I bought something for Ate Len. I’ll visit her after Jardin. I was planning to buy muhlach ensaymada but I was not able to drop by in Glorietta. I passed by in Red Ribbon Don Antonio. I was stuck there because of the rain. So I decided to have dinner then. It was a nice meal alone. Right after I finished my food, the rain stopped. Then, I went home. I took Bio Flu, expecting that I’d be okay tomorrow morning. Haiz. I have to go to bed early so I can have enough sleep for tomorrow’s expected one hell of a tiring-day!

Part 52: If something is rubbing so hard against you, you can be sure it's working on you. --Eat,Pray,Love

I wrapped up the day with a talk with Ma’am My. We have the same feelings towards work. I don’t want to elaborate further for some reasons. We opened our hearts. It was a great one. I think she’s my angel. When she cried, it pained me. And from my heart, I’m sorry if I am one of those who caused you a lot of stress lately. I thought of one way on how to lessen her baggage, and that is, to fix things with Lal. Hours earlier, finally, we talked. I said sorry in any way that I hurt her feelings. I said that we should work professionally. We should move on and leave all the baggage behind caused by the past. It was a smooth conversation, sharing the things we missed out. I am happy to know that her family heard mass in two consecutive Sundays now. And that she’s somehow happy. In some way I was waiting to be hurt, just to know if I am still affected. Just to test where I am now. I was amazed that even for a moment, I wasn’t hurt by her news and stories. It was kind of a relief. Thank you Bro for this. And the book is helping me to cope up with all the things I am in. This book was really a gift. (Thank you Cindz for paving the way. :)) It made me comprehend everything. And I realized that, Lal is really my soul mate. And the book also taught that soul mates are the persons who have purpose. I will share some thoughts from Richard. He is the guy Liz met when she was in Ashram. In this instance, Liz was very upset because he misses David (her ex-boyfriend). And she can’t concentrate on finding herself and finding God. Good thing, Richard from Texas was there to give her a piece of advice she will never forget.

Part 48: Liz: “ I seriously believe that David was my soul mate.”
Richard: "He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it." --Eat,Pray,Love

Day 3 continues of a non-stop reading. I am definitely IN to it! And I am lovin’ it! I’m done with the Italy part. Done with the tongue-twister-italian words. I will miss Lucca Spaghetti and Liz’s escapades around, in, and between Italy.

I made a decision to have a hair cut. And I am wearing the shortest I’ve ever had. I’ve been wanting this but I am so shy to ask the stylist, and there’s always a voice within me saying, “Baka hindi bagay.”. Finally, I gained enough strength and with bravery, I said, “Mas maikli pa po.” Then she said, “OK”.. I smiled. I’m happy. Yes! Finally! But honestly, I was nervous to see how it will look. Then..Yehey! Okay naman. She/He made me happy (the stylist). On my way home, I was wondering how they (especially mom) would react. She just said, “Nagpagupit ka? Ang ikli.” Honestly, I know that she’s not that “in favor” because with my hair now, it is so obvious that I am gay. This is one of those many reasons why I want to move, why I want to work far far away. Because I know that they did not fully accepted it yet. I know that they understand me and all, yet, I know also that they are still hoping that somehow, I could turn into a lady, which is not possible. And it will not happen. It’s hurting me a lot because I feel that I am disappointing them in a way. I don’t want to be the reason of their disappointments. It feels like, I want to be eaten out so they could not see me. Haay..Family matters made me lonely. I want to finish my duties this evening kasi we watched Noynoy’s proclamation so my to do’s are still to do’s. Haiz. Anyway, I am beginning to fall in love and I hate it. I am beginning to fall in love with…guess who? MILEY CYRUS. Hahaha! I find her sexy and attractive nowadays. If you could hear my comments to her before, you will say, “YOU’VE EATEN ALL YOUR WORDS!” But, I accepted it anyway. I like MILEY! *blushing*

Part 36 (Last part of Italy): ..when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab on to the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight. --Eat,Pray,Love

I did not expect to love the book this much! I’ve never been excited in my whole life reading a book. This experience is lovely! Excited to read all her experiences and all the lessons learned in her travels. I love how she describes the people she met, the food she eat and how she ended each part. She reaches out to her audience, when she views her opinion, she will tell it in a manner that her audience will understand what she wants to impart. She finished every part with a humor and I think everyone on the bus might notice how I smile. I am halfway done. :) After office, I went to Megamall to measure and see the place where our ad will be placed. On the bus while reading, I heard our song again. I tried my best not to entertain the possibility of being sad. I did so much effort to focus on what I am reading but my heart won. I closed the book and let the song finish. Surprisingly, it did not hurt that much, compare to the other days that I can't help my tears to fall down. But I admit, I still love our song. I still love the melody of it. It brings back a lot of memories. I looked up and said, "Bro, please help me to move on." Then I continue reading. I was on the escalator going up when I heard people screaming, then I saw people running as if there was something bad happening. Naturally, you will see what’s the commotion is all about. I walked through the stairs and saw John Lloyd Cruz walking. Oh! It’s JLC! Not in a minute, I rushed through the crowd and tried to take a photo. But, there were a lot of people pushing me therefore, I did not get a nice shot. So I just pull my hand and he took it. In so much happiness, I called Ma'am My, just to share the experience. Her voice was so happy. After I put down the phone, I think of you. I said, "Magiging masaya yun kung sasabihin kong nakita ko si John Lloyd." It makes me realize that, you're still one of the few people I think when I am happy or wants to share experiences with. Seeing him completed my day. :) After my business in Wedding Lib, I got myself a pair of sunglasses and bought Olay Clarity.

Part 28: Maybe some things were sacrificed...but who amongst us lives without sacrifice? -- Eat,Pray,Love

...

Continued reading this great book. The time I got on the bus, I started to read it. Catch myself enjoying, smiling and even laughing. I really have my best buddy now. :) From now on, I decided not to write about my work. It will just make me sick. If there will be an exception to this rule, it will be, IF, I did something GREAT, worthy of writing. I’m somehow relived from being hurt..going to church made me understand what’s happening. It might not fully yet, but in time. I understand that, maybe, your intention was not to hurt me but you just want to share your happiness. You were insensitive or the way you said it to me was the one that hurt me. Maybe, its not the fact that you are having a baby, but, because by that, it ended. My hope. US. It ended there, the moment you said it. I’m saying it to you now that, I am not mad or angry about what happened, I’m just dealing with the reality right now. I’m dealing with loneliness, with being hurt for something that had just ended. Time will heal all wounds, maybe, not now but in the right instance. When I was on the bus, on my way home, while reading this great book, I heard our song. And guess what, I saw it coming. I don’t know but I knew it. Maybe, it’s His sign that I should not treat you the way I am treating you. But it saddens me because our memories were no longer there. I tried to close my eyes but there was nothing. And I am crying now yet, I have to embrace it. Even it hurts like hell, I have to deal with it. I am sorry for hurting you back, for being so cold. There’s a saying that, “Kung gaano ka nagmahal, ganon din kalalim kang masasaktan.” That explains everything.

Part 22: So be lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. --Eat,Pray,Love.

Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

I am reading a book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Cindz and I bought this book yesterday. A woman's (Liz) search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia. This excerpt that I will write made me cry. This was when Liz talked to God and begged for help. It affected me because I saw myself. The exact emotions I feel.

Part 4: Of course, I've had a lot of time to formulate my opinions about divinity since that night on the bathroom floor when I spoke to God directly for the first time. In the middle of that dark November crisis, though, I was not interested in formulating my views on theology. I was interested only in saving my life. I had finally noticed that I seemed to have reached a state of hopeless and life threatening despair, and it occured to me that sometimes people in this state will approach God for help. I think I'd read that in a book somewhere.
What I said to God through my gasping sobs was something like this: "Hello, God. How are you? I'm Liz. It's nice to meet you."
That's right - I was speaking to the creator of the universe as though we'd just been introduced at a cocktail party. But we work with what we know in this life, and these are the words I always use at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, it was all I could do to stop myself from saying. "I've always been a big fan of your work..."
"I'm sorry to bother you so late at night," I continued. "But I'm in serious trouble. And I am sorry I haven't ever spoken directy to you before, but I do hope I have always expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you've given in my life."
This thought caused me to sob even harder. God waited me out. I pulled myself together enough to go on: "I am not an expert at praying, as you know. But can you help me? I am in desperate need of help. I don't know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do..."
And so the prayer narrowed itself down to that simple entreaty - Please tell me what to do - repeated again and again. I don't know how many times I begged. I only know that I begged like someone who was pleading for her life.